Love Hina Suicide! And why it doesn't work
by New
Summary: Keitaro goes off to commit suicide, only to find that there are worse things then death. Rated PG13 for swearing, but I really don't think there's anything in there you wouldn't hear from your parents.


Love Hina Suicide (And why it doesn't work)  
  
By New, who did this on a stroke of inspiration.  
  
If anyone finds this offensive, too bad.  
  
Keitaro sighed. His life was miserable. He failed to get into Tokyo- U, he couldn't get a girlfriend, and the dorm he managed was full of girls who beat him up. They were pretty girls, but they tortured and abused him, probably for fun. In short, his life was pathetic. He decided to end it all one wintry night, to be exact, Christmas 1999.  
  
The night was filled with joy and laughter. Everyone was having fun, except for Keitaro, of course. He sulked on the side, meditating to remove his invincibility from his body. He would obviously not be able to die if he was invincible, so he decided to find a way to kill himself. He found it in a book in the library. Quite the simple process just required blood. Of course, he used his own blood, in the traditional angst ridden way.  
  
Oh, he was sure nobody would cry for him or even realize he was missing. So Keitaro walked out of the Hinata House, alone, cold, and only wearing a T-shirt, a pair of jeans, a bomber jacket, and his pair of orange- polka-dotted underwear. Oh, and shoes and his Spiderman socks. Keitaro shivered as he remembered the mocking he had received from Motoko when she had found them.  
  
Keitaro walked, painfully through the snow, as he slowly forged his way towards the place that had started it all, the pain, the misery, the suffering, the cold heartedness, that which he had strived so much to get to- That's right.  
  
Tokyo-U.  
  
It seemed peaceful enough of a place. Quiet, dark, cold, lonely, but essentially a nice enough place. Keitaro sat down and thought about what he was to do. He was going to climb up Tokyo-U's stairs, get to the top of the clock tower, and jump. Then he would die, at the place he had tried so hard to get to.  
  
Tokyo-U's main building greeted him like a large cathedral of death that must have greeted those whom were killed by Christians during the crusades. Keitaro chuckled at this thought. At least he remembered something that Naru had pounded into his head.  
  
Naru.  
  
Who would have thought that such a beautiful, fiery person be such an evil, cruel bitch? Certainly not Keitaro, normally. But after several months, Keitaro knew the true side of Naru. Several long months of being her punching bag would show that. He thought that there might be a bit of something between them, but there turned out that it was a one side of bad torture.  
  
Cleveland Rocks!  
  
Had to say that, I got the Drew Carey show on here.  
  
He even called suicide hotline. He was insulted when he presented his case. Shut down totally, for not understanding the fact that he never stood a chance, and that he would never ever get any, and should go kill himself.  
  
Therefore, he was acting on the suggestion. His life was pathetic, and therefore he was ending it. Keitaro finally made it to the top of the clock tower. He looked down.  
  
"Gee, sure is way up high over here." He said, dryly. He closed his eyes, and looked down nervously. He waited a long time up there. Suddenly, he heard a voice, male.  
  
"Ah, a Jumper." The voice said. Keitaro turned around, noticing the fresh snow falling. He saw a high-schooler in a uniform. He looked to be a senior. He seemed to be better looking then Keitaro, but at this stage, Keitaro wasn't exactly seeing clearly. Several hours on a rooftop will do that too you. "You going to kill yourself?"  
  
Keitaro nodded. "Yeah. I have terrible grades, the girl's dorm I work at is full of girls who hate me, and I am tortured, beaten, and hit every chance I get..." Keitaro sighed. "I'm worth more dead than alive."  
  
"Ahh." There was silence as the two simply waited, Keitaro looking off the building, the senior looking at Keitaro. There was a long moment of silence.  
  
"Cool." The dude said. Keitaro looked at the senior, confused. "I've never fucked a dead man up the ass before."  
  
There was silence as Keitaro stared at the boy in shock, and the boy stared back normally. Eventually, snow falling down calmly, Keitaro walked down the steps, down towards the front of Tokyo-U, only to meet Naru, and realize that life might not be so bad after all.  
  
Shiunji Wantanabe suddenly appeared in heaven, meeting Saint Peter. Saint Peter handed Shiunji a pair of wings. "Hmm, very good on saving the boy." Saint Peter said. Shiunji blinked.  
  
"I was supposed to save him?"  
  
Although this is weaker then my normal attempt at more than 1000 words per chapter/single chapter story, I think it works very well for it's purpose; Parodying normal Keitaro angst fics. Shiunji Wantanabe was originally created by some other dude for a hilarious webcomic strip, and if he wants me to remove him, I will. And all those who think that this sucks...  
  
Neener! 


End file.
